Friday, May 22, 2009

The Old Famous Caper

Detective Skeeter is in his office. It is a bit run-down. An old used desk, a few file cabinets, a few empty bottles of 'Old Nip" scattered around. A few photographs of treasured successful cases solved… A client walks in. Obsequious servant type…

Furred NoName: "Detective Skeeter, my employer wishes to hire you to investigate a possible murder. He has been told you are most talented at old unsolved crimes."

Skeeter: "Yes I am. For a fee. Shrimp and ham every day, plus primo catnip. Can your employer afford that?"

Furred" "Without any problem. Your reputation is well known and his interest is great".

Skeeter: "Great, when do we start?" Furred: "A car is waiting".

Furred and Skeeter drive off in a fancy car.

Skeeter enters the Famous Old Place of Old Cat Famous wearing his standard "Bogie" overcoat. The d├ęcor is astonishingly tacky, but everything is very expensive. Like a Las Gatos casino. The furniture was in rich purple and pink corinthian leather. Catnelius VanderKitty would have been impressed. Old Cat Famous quickly ushered Detective Skeeter into his study. His "study" is larger than Skeeter's whole house.

Old Cat Famous: "Detective Skeeter, I have asked you here because my only son disappeared several years ago. I thought it was a botched kit-napping, but recent events have caused me to doubt that. I now fear it is a family matter.."

Skeeter: I felt sorry for Old Famous. But it isn't the first time a family has done in its own. "I will do my best to solve this sad crime" was all I could say. "I will need free run of the house and yard, and I will need to speak to all the family and hired help."

Skeeter calls in the CCSI team, then wanders the grounds.

The CCSI team takes blood samples from the family and hired help. Lt Dewlap starts sniffing the grounds. Lt Meezer starts looking into hidey places and takes fur samples from the carpets and under sofas.

Skeeter comes across Lady Di Famous in the garden.

Skeeter: "Lady Di, you have an interesting garden. Very unusual."

Lady Di Famous: "Yes, it suits my interests. The other Lady cats are impressed when they visit".

Skeeter observes the garden with interest. There are bare twigs stuck in the ground in one corner, a tiny 1 foot pond nearby, some tiny evergreens in another corner, and a small mound between them. There was even an "X" next to the mound.

Skeeter: "I'm no gardener", he thinks to himself, "but this is one really weird garden." And "Ma'am, when is the last time you saw Fergle"?

Lady Di Famous: "Three years ago, when he was kit-napped. We mourn his absence daily."

Skeeter steps into the house, where Lt Meezer asks "Have you noticed that there are no pictures of Fergle "Mousemaster" Famous anywhere in the house?"

Brighteyes Famous overhears and says, "Momma had them all removed the day after Fergle was kit-napped." And she skips off to play with toy mousies…

Lt Dewlap comes in with a copy of the family Will. Says "This was slipped under the door to me. I can smell Furred NoName all over it."

Skeeter: We examined the Will. Everything went to Lady Di Famous and Brighteyes. That meant it was new, as Old Cat Famous adored his son cat Fergle and had previously declared that Fergle would take over the entire estate some day!

The CCSI team went over the Will with a fine-toothed comb and some fancy chemical analysis. They had the lab check the ink for age and for forgery. Sure enough, the ink is new and doesn't match Old Cat Famous's paw prints! But we just couldn't find anything for sure. We had to leave. No body, no crime…

Wow, a helicopter arrived to return us all home, flown by Skeeter's old friend Flyright Mhor. Skeeter and the CCSI team board and are lifted away, dejected. As they rise in altitude, Detective Skeeter gazes out the window. His ears perk up.

Skeeter: "Lt Dewlap and Lt Meezer, look out here. See the dead trees below? And the pond? And that evergreen forest? And look at the mound over there." They are exactly like Lady Di Famous's personal garden!

And then he yells to Flyright, "Hey, can you land over there by that mound?"

Flyright Mhor: "Sure thing Skeeter, some catnip down there?"

Good old Flyright, he turned the helicopter around so fast there were hairballs all over the place…

Skeeter: "Not Nip, Flyright, something sad, I suspect."

They land and all hop out. Lt Dewlap immediately crinkles his nose.

Lt Dewlap: "Dead kitty here, Skeeter. Sorry."

Lt Meezer was first to find the mound entrance. She rushed in but came out crying. "It's Fergle", she says. "I'd bet 2 lives on it." But she is a professional. She went back in and took fur samples. It was Fergle, as her equipment showed. There was even fur in his mouth; Lady Di Famous's.

Back at the Old Famous Place, we confronted Lady Di Famous with the facts.

She broke down in tears, as all good criminals must. She confessed she did it to get the estate for herself and her daughter Brighteyes. From the look of horror on Brighteyes's face, we knew she wasn't involved. That was a relief! Lady Di was lead away helpless by the scruff of her neck.

Skeeter: "I was well-paid in Nip and Ham. A few days later in my office, a tapping came at the door. I cautiously opened it and in walked the most beautiful lady cat you ever saw. Diamond-studded collar, soft smooth fur, micro chipped for sure, and I bet all her shots are up to date too…
She said her name was WowWow Evermore and that she had a 'slight problem' maybe I could help her with." WowWow: "Ooh, is that fresh Nip?" Skeeter: "Join me in a Niptini and some ham, and tell me about your problem"? Life is good…

THE END

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